It has been a journey in to myself, a lot of the writing I have been doing for this assignment, is a bit too personal to share at this moment, I won’t be sharing everything. But it all started off with thinking about myself and how I feel to be in this world at this moment, I changed a lot, because of what happened to me, I used to be more out there, I had less fears and I really enjoyed living. I am constantly fighting with myself to try and get back to being that person and trying to erase the memories that changed me.
Sometimes I manage to do so, but then I seem to forget the good ones too, which leads me to a complete ghost like empty feeling.
I fell for a way of falling understanding nothing but knowing it all,
Love tricks me in to this deep dark cage where I depend on the light strokes that you bring in. The hope of getting out keeps getting smaller and I fear the moment it disappears,
I’ll disappear with you. Darker strangers are falling in this cage, pounding on the rigid walls again and again. I’m speechless. Silent smoke is running out of dust. Vaguely the walls are talking. I only listen, without getting any grip on the words they bring in. I try to catch the dust. If only I could make myself be the smoke,
I wouldn’t be doubting everything.
Thin hands are feeling all of me, electricity is growing under my skin until I explode. Pieces of memories, flying around, childhood memories I tried to forget, I succeeded without knowing what I lost with them. Emptiness trying to force me in to a person I’m not I never am my own person. Traveling through all sorts of life, it will keep me safe. But love, love is what keeps me standing still, being in one place.
This is a piece of the writing that I am able to share, it is about self love and being scared to lose myself in the other me. Writing also helps me to visualize feelings. And this is how I started the assignment. I went on with it until a point where I felt way too heavy. And I tried to change my way of looking at it.
The first sketches, are about safety while being caught.
Then the idea of making a giant beermat, with arms that are coming out from underneath.
And Ideas of fading memories, so they won’t dissapear completely, but it makes them softer to look at.
After playing with materials and thoughts, I felt stuck and I needed to create a different storyline to dive into, and I came across the myth about the Jewish Golem, for me it fell into place with how I see the ones whom my story is about.
The golem was created to protect villagers, made by a 16th century Rabbi called Judah Loew. The golem served the Rabbi and soon he wanted to become human too, but he couldn’t. He destroyed the entire village, ran away and never came back.
It lacks an inner life, it cannot self-reflect, self–regulate or exert moral control, to be fully alive.
After writing this, I wanted to make a head made out of clay, that I could turn in to stone, maybe also to have power over a powerless situation. Here is where Medusa comes in.
Medusa is said to have aroused the wrath of Athena, because Poseidon raped her in Athena's temple. Athena took revenge, and Medusa's hair turned into snakes. Anyone who looked Medusa in her eyes turned to stone.
For me this is a powerful image and I started to make the heads, I wanted to misshape them each time a bit more (coming back to the fading memories/faces ideas). I wanted to make 9 of them.
After making 9 heads, I got a bit stuck in how I wanted to present them.
I tried a few possibilities, but they went too far away from the context behind the idea.
Title: It can be harmed.
as the final end result I made a video. For me it felt important that I was in the work too, the images in my head are sometimes clear to see, and sometimes vague. For me the heads represent the trauma. To look them in the eyes, to feel my own thoughts, To see them flashing by and to try to erase them.
It hasn’t been clear for a while – for me to see myself clearly. I do know I’m still stuck in my past, not always, there lies a thin line which is shifting everyday. As the faces / memories, sometimes I see and feel them clearly and sometimes they’re fading and they feel far away. I can’t go back to who I was before. I am shaped. In good and in bad ways.